Monday, January 9, 2012

One Shake at a Time

Today was my first day of "The Cleanse" as we like to call it here at our modest beach-house-without-the-beach in lovely Sleepy Hollow, where I have spent the last 7 years looking in vain for a headless horseman. That's not to say there aren't plenty of headless, or at least brainless, folks in so-called privileged, yet unincorporated neighborhood between Fairfax and San Anselmo, and there are many horsemen and horsewomen or should I say horsey women in this neighborhood. At one time there were stables where the current Sleepy Hollow Clubhouse and Pool are, and my father would take me riding there. After a couple of times Dad thought I should be able to ride alone, without being led by him and the other horse, but I was scared to death of horses and was perfectly happy to daydream in the saddle and not worry about steering or stopping the beast. And now I live just a 15-minute walk away from the old Sleepy Hollow Stables and often walk the dog on the path that we once walked the horses on, for there is one bend in the path where the oaks and bays are gathered further up the hillside and the grassy slope stretches down to the path just around the corner from a small outcropping of fieldstone. I can see my Dad on his horse ahead as the trail inclines slightly up to where the rusty and twisted stakes of an old barbed-wire fence are still sticking out of the ground and of course this leads to other thoughts of the old man that, as I endeavor onward through The Cleanse and I grow weak and dreamy from malnutrition I am sure to recall . Lucky you.

The Cleanse is not of the sort that many folks may conjur in the wake of relatively recent events in Serbia, Croatia, and across The Balkans, as it is not particularly ethnic, unless you habitually identify food with ethnicity (as in Roma Tomatoes, or Idaho Potatoes - yes I think of Idaho as home to a particular ethnic group that I'm not going to discuss right now - or Greek Yogurt, Middle Eastern Hummus, French Fries, English Bangers, and Scotch). Actually The Cleanse is simply how we refer to a very common and popular cleansing and detox (aka weight loss for most of us and especially me of the heroic tummy) called The Clean Program, which claims that it is "the most supportive cleansing and detox program on the planet". I'm not going to repeat a lot of info about The Clean Program that you can find out for yourself at Suffice to say that there's 32,000 card carrying members of The Clean Program, and, as of Day #1, I am not one of them.

But time will tell. When you read some of the things these clean-niks say about the program: how it builds strong bodies 12 ways; makes you run faster, jump higher; melts in your mouth, not in your hand; and on and on and on I actually looking forward to finding out what it will do for me! After all, how hard can it be?  shake for breakfast, a few snacks, a nice lunch (off of a pretty generous list of gluten-, wheat-, lactose-, sugar-, soy-,salt-, dairy-free foods that includes celery AND beets but no carrots), followed by a few snacks.

So, today. First day, right? Don't wanna shock the system, plus I have to have some food with my morning meds (and something to soak up that 8AM waker-upper), plus NO COFFEE. For a lot of folks that's a deal killer right there. But not for me I went years without coffee not for health reasons but because it gave me a tummy ache and made me sleepy but recently on the advice of my nutritionist (should I make that ALL CAPS?) started having a cup in the morning, which turned into two cups and recently I was having a little booster in the afternoon too and LOVING IT but none of that on the clean program nosiree this is about getting those toxins like wondrous flavorful odoriffic and delicious Sumatran coffee OUT of the system. So, I started the day with a Honeycrisp apple, which was just fine because I love honeycrisp apples then onto conference calls with BFC corporate zombies and brown nosers except for Deb and Tiffany and a few others but I digress so now it's midmorning and I'm getting a little twinge so I reach for a Lydia's vegan bar which made me think momentarily that I had sprouted a beak and a pair of wings (which would have been nice) for I was reminded of the SUET CAKE I have put in the bird feeder then I noticed on the package that it was suggested that the product be HYDRATED first so I poured a big tumbler of vodka and hydrated that puppy and it was MUCH BETTER!! Now it's getting close to lunch which is a real lunch so my female companions are expected home soon with some yummy vegan selections from the GOOD EARTH IN FAIRFAX which as you probably know if you're serious about natural and organic food this is a store that is not to be fucked with nor are the people that go there for they will take you to serious task for improper dress, unwanted fragrances and incorrect attitude in general. Anyway I add the chicken from a packaged chicken caesar to my hearty lunch of brocolli, bok choy and brown rice which is quite satisfying except I realize in the middle of my lunch that I am missing my baggie of pain medication which is a totally inappropriate topic for a blog on The Clean Program (I have long been accused of building up with one hand while tearing down with the other) and now there is concern throughout the household that Boo the wonderpup has snaked the meds and will soon be headed to the vet for a little afternoon stomach pump so my lunch is interrupted and is allowed to grow cold and lonely on my desk. By the time I find the pills eating the rest of my lunch is both necessary and unpleasant but since it's all I get I better eat it because the only repast between me and bedtime is another shake. But before I close today's entry let me say that the shakes are surprisingly appetite supressing, especially when chased with a Perry's Deli Surfer Special, a bag of salt and vinegar chips, and a mudslide cookie from The Woodlands.

I am so looking forward to tomorrow!


  1. Very Entertaining Jeb

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