Thursday, January 19, 2012

Day 1 - The Eliminator Diet

It's actually called "The Elimination Diet" but i just can't groove with that name 'cuz it really does sound like the idea is to sit on the can until there's absolutely nothing left in your body at which point you briefly achieve you desired weight and then you die.

But "The Eliminator Diet" that's a cool name for a diet. It conjures images of Ahhhnold the former Governator (what's happened to him, by the way? Is he off making snuff flicks? Did he go back to Transylvania and crawl back into his coffin? I mean am I completely out of it or has he simply dropped out of sight?), back in his chiseled youth, clad in nothing but a skimpy fur loincloth and wielding a bloodstained battleaxe, hacking his way through legions of heavily armed dairy products, flying french fries bouncing off his shining musculature like harmless pins while giant snapping hamburgers nip at his sculpted butt and gluten-heavy baked goods - bagels, cinnamon rolls, almond danish and bear claws - try to force their way down his throat. Just when we think he's vanquished his foes Juan Valdez appears with his trusty donkey to defend the coffee plantation, pummeling our hero with coffee beans from his pea shooter while donkey smacks him upside the head with pork chops and T-bone steaks. But the Eliminator is on a mission - he must destroy the evil deep fried prawns, crispy golden tater tots, chicken McNuggets and corn dogs.

But the Eliminator is only getting started. He also must eliminate the soy products that have been posing as health food for so long: The Silk, the edamame, the tempeh and tofu, the soy ice cream, yogurt, cheese, sausage: all of it is deemed evil by The Eliminator and it must be neutralized! And so our hero sneaks onto the fields of ripening soybeans with his flame thrower, grenade launcher and surface to air missle systems. He shelves his battleaxe for an assault rifle and abandons his loincloth for a hygienic cup and at night he makes his attack, slashing and burning the fields, pulverizing the peaceful bean farmers with dirty bombs, and destroying every last vestige of the soybean industry.

Whew! Now that's what I call a diet!

So, let's review with a quick rundown of the day's culinary activities, and their impact on the corporate droid's productivity. (God forbid the droid engage in any personal health initiative that would in any way be a detriment to "The Company", as such behavior is certainly cause for immediate termination.)

(The following key should help if you're in a hurry. Red = BAD, NOT ON THE DIET. Everything else is okay). 

So, today's first conference call was scheduled for 7am. That is, of course, a comfortable l0am for The Company's power elite whom all reside on the East coast. It's just tough titty if you live a few time zones away or, in the case of one of the team members, on the other side of the globe where calls with the East Coast happen late at night.

I got out of bed at 6:30 so I wouldn't be completely brain dead for the call, and had a cup of coffee with hemp milk, which is really quite delightful as the hemp milk is very creamy and has just a touch of sweetness. Then, to temper my morning medications which I am instructed to take with food (hey I can't help it that's what it says right on the bottle!) I had a half of rice english muffin (wheat-free, gluten-free) which are delicious as long as they are thoroughly toasted and crispy, otherwise they are too chewy. I like 'em better than regular muffins now. On that I had Barney Butter, which is crunchy almond butter and should be illegal, with honey.

The call last a half hour and was completely unremarkable such that I didn't hear a word that was said and instead read my Facebook notifications. After I poured myself another half cup and before I knew it the next call - my annual performance review - was upon me. Now, if you've noticed that I am not writing with my usual manic enthusiasm, it is because 5 minutes into my review I realized that I had worked my ass off and my fingers to the bone all year for a fuckin' kick in the teeth. I'm not going to go into what happened last year at BFC until I am a safe distance away and this year wasn't quite as bad but almost. Worst of all it has caused me to question my future there, because given the fact that I really can't work any harder than I did this year and I still got a shitty review only means that I can't compete in this company anymore. There are younger folks who are willing to work 70 hours a week to my 60. So please excuse my depression and despondency it is a dark, sobering thought to realize that, aside from the biweekly paycheck, working for BFC is a big waste of time and I have completely sold out my own career for the sake of the almighty dollar. This will change soon, but regret is a powerful emotion and it's got me by the balls at the moment. Wouldn't it be great if we could just flip a switch and say hey that's all water under the bridge tomorrow's a new day hip hip fuckin' hooray and maybe some of us can do that but it's never been my strong suit.

Needless to say I didn't do jack shit for BFC the rest of the day and instead just fucked around on Facebook and twiddled my thumbs, staring out the window wondering how I could repay these corporate goons. I was also working to save a good friends job - she's a single mom with college age girls who is getting laid off and replaced by someone who costs a quarter of what she costs from Bangalore. Yes, that's in India. Yes, offshoring is a reality, yet who gives a shit until it affects someone you love? Corporate America isn't America at all, is it?

So after that lovely experience I was in need of several American Spirits. I switched to black tea and didn't have anything else to eat until around 11 when I had some dried mango and raw wheat and gluten free cookies and another cup of coffee. An hour or so later I had lunch which consisted of a salad with chicken and almonds and a wheat gluten free granola bar from Lydia's raw foods. No oats or sweetness allowed so it's a bit like eating a suet cake for birds, plus you need to dip it in your tea to choke it down but it does taste good. I topped that all off with a coco-roon, another raw delicacy with no bad shit in it.  Then I was good until six or so when I had a rice cake with barney butter, followed an hour later by a pear/pomegranate salad and a turkey dosa from Table Cafe in Larkspur. Now I am stuffing my face with the raw cookies, my feet throbbin and just barely choking back tears after watching "Everything Must Go", a Raymond Carver story played by Will Farrell. Not funny, but who would expect a Raymond Carver story to be funny? Even if it has Will Farrell, who can be one sorry sad looking fuck when he wants to be. Ironically it is about wasted life, and after wasting much of mine for the past year I guess you could say it hit home.

I would say that I don't plan on lifting a finger for BFC for quite awhile, but then my manager or some other BFC person that I thought was my friend could read this and I would be out on my ass. Which would probably be the best thing that could happen to me. 

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