Friday, January 13, 2012

One Shake at a Time - Day 5: Men's Urinal

I heard from a former bandmate today about his adventures in cleanse land and sure enough the dude has drank the kool aid or whatever has replaced the popular drink from acid test days - Perrier with lemon perhaps. As Tommy says,  he lost his gut, his acne, his tinnitus, his fatigue, his hair started growing back...ahhh, well, no. The hair is still lost. In his own words: "Then on the 8th day, I was able to eat protein like fish, chicken, tofu and the diet eased up a bit, but still no Salt, Sugar, Yeast, Dairy and Caffeine. As I proceeded to stay on the procedure, eat really healthy, my skin started to clear up, my gut started going away. I started peeing like a 12 year old, my energy increased, my stamina increase. It was like a new me....and I'm sitting there at lunch one day after about 2 was so quite I could hear a pin ringing in my ears. I was amazed and delighted."

PEEING LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD! The folks with The Clean Program never said anything about that! I mean losing the gut, the acne, the ringing in the ears, the fatigue, the drooling, then tendency to stumble around with my fly open, the mysterious lack of awareness of visible boogers peeking out the nostril, the loud, sonorous flatulence that accompanies the increasing flaccidity of the glutemus maximus, the paper thin skin on the shins that sparkles in the sun, the cracked calluses on the heels and the raw bunches of leathery skin on the elbows, the increasing penile dormancy...these are merely bland annoyances when compared to WEAK STREAM. So imagine my excitement when I read Tommy's bold and refreshing confession. First, the implication that he too had perhaps noticed that the old pump wasn't pushing out the same PSIs, or CFSs, or BTUs or how ever the flow of pee pee is measured, like it used to. Of course when we're talking about cubic feet per second of pee pee, we are not talking about the strength of the tool itself but rather the flow control mechanism inside at the pumping station. Has the pump grown rickety, rusty perhaps? Would a shot of WD-40 with the morning prune juice help lubricate the machinery such that bladder musculature would regain it's elasticity and thus produce a more manly flow, versus a pathetic periodic dribble that neither warns of it's arrival or effectively bids farewell?

But imagine that by simply having a shake in the morning, a shake in the evening, and a healthy lunch in between, plus any number of midday snacks from a list that's not too godawful horrible...imagine that by cutting out the coffee, the booze, the sugar, the red meat, the chips, the cookies, the peanut butter and jelly (but keeping THE BARNEY BUTTER)...imagine that after 3 weeks of such an insignificant and wimpy sacrifice i could end up PEEING LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD!! Imagine my pride as I stand at the precipice of El Capitan, the sun rising in glory over the Yosemite Valley and catching my powerful golden arc in it's rays as it sails over the Awahanee and Curry Camp, across the steam rising off the meandering Merced river, across the valley to Glacier Point where it quickly forms a spectacular golden waterfall that the tourists hail as the Second Coming. Imagine that if I just kept cleansing that, in awhile, I could be PEEING LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD!


Whew. Thanks Tommy. It's always good to have a goal!

PS If you're having fun reading this scatological, puerile and sophomoric drivel then join the thousands of folks that are following "Various and Sundry", just don't tell anybody!

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