Thursday, April 5, 2012
Last Train to FarmVille
Oooh I need to blow off some steam think I'll head down to Farmville lord knows I got plenty of INVITATIONS to get my ass down there! My good buddy Andrew Land has invited me down there 4 or 5 times this week and I feel so terrible I just haven't had the bandwidth to go milk the cows and feed the chickens. Even Buddy Owen, that great local bluesman, has invited me down to his farm in Farmville - shit who knows maybe we'll break out a jug o' moonshine and jam on some Willie Dixon - after we plow the back 40, of course.
Actually, I'm scared to death of Farmville. I get multiple invitations a week from full grown men to meet them down on the farm and I'm thinking no good can come of this, what with all those sheep scampering about. I know my fear is unfounded because I've never been to Farmville so how could I know what really goes on there?
To tell you the truth, I did go to Farmville, just long enough to know that I really didn't want to spend a lot of time there. But Andrew Land seemed like a pretty normal guy, and I'll admit I admired his tenacity. Oh look, here's another invitation from Andrew Land. He's got a request. From FARMVILLE! Well fuck me! Oh my God here comes another one. Andrew Land and Buddy Owen both have requests from Farmville!
Really, how could I NOT go check it out! So, I hitched up my overalls, pulled on my big rubber boots, popped a big wad of chaw in my mouth and set out.
As soon as I got there my jaw dropped in alarm. These guys REALLY NEEDED MY HELP!! Buddy was trying to build his Island Livestock and need a Wire! Then he needed a buoy for his aquarium. A hay bundle for his island pasture. And here I thought Buddy had it bad. Andrew was building a market stall and really needed my help! He needed a price card. Holy shit, a price card, I thought!And then he needed dark plywood for his animal master billboard! Jesus! I might as well just send Andrew a gram of China White and a new kit! Buddy too!
You can see why I've stayed away from FarmVille. Obviously there's way more to it than sloppin' the pigs, feedin' the chickens and milkin' the cows - there's some crazy stressful shit going on down there on the Farm! But I've decided to take the upper hand. Sure these guys need my help but so do the starving children in Darfur and the oppressed women in the entire Eastern Hemisphere. I'm sorry Andrew. Buddy, I love ya but I just can't get that buoy for your aquarium.
I am now going to IGNORE ALL REQUESTS FOR THIS APP.
Good luck, fellas!
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