Friday, April 13, 2012

Isomniacs Please Form a Line to the Left

I know no good will come of this and were I wise I would heed my little voice and get back in bed, grind my bean-stained teeth, rub my cramped toes together, scratch my mangy head and moan quietly. But this is night three and I've tried all that. I've tried it with the CPAP machine and without (being the odd duck I kinda like the full CPAP mask. It's like a security blanket, plus it reminds me that I'm still breathing which these days is step in the right direction). CPAP machines are for people with sleep apnea which unfortunately is not what's keeping me awake for if it was the CPAP would have kicked it's little sleep interrupting butt by now and I would be tiptoeing through dreamland. Witness these words, tortured reader, and be confident that sleep apnea is not behind this miserable state.

So if not sleep apnea, what? Why 3 consecutive all-nighters? Well aside from pattern repetition and the annoying tendency of the body to learn bad habits like dozing off during the day and raiding the refrigerator in the wee hours, I can't explain it. But, considering it's an election year and everybody is making shit up out of thin air to explain this or that, I say we make something up too! Something political! If every other event on the planet is caused by some force of political will, including scientifically irrefutable facts like global warming, then why not insomnia? Yes, you of furrowed brows will say it's a stretch, but can you say with confidence that a political reason for insomnia is more poppycock than say, death panels? Or Weapons of Mass Destruction? Of course not! Fine fabrications all! Are there not entire platoons of pundits employed by political candidates to create and spread rumors and lies?

Well here's a good one. Insomnia, some say, is at least partially the result of the brain not being able to attain a state of sleep. Obviously. Sleep requires the brain to relax, to be at least temporarily worry-free so it can slip into it's jammies without fear of some peeping Tom across the alley with one hand on the binoculars and the other in his pants. Unfortunately for the line that's forming on the left, with some drifting closer to the center and others perhaps out of bounds, there's a lot to worry about this election year. Santorum, that vile compound that is purportedly the result of illegal coupling has been wiped out of the race (please pardon the metaphor but I will dearly miss that pathetic asshat). Had he by some miracle defeated the Oven Mitt we would have been saved, for the fiscal conservatives - those that are Republican for the purposes of greed and greed alone, the real Romney Rats, couldn't have possibly gotten behind such a dangerous brewer of church and state like Preparation Rick.

Not that mitigating Mitt will be a stroll through Michelle's veggie garden, but unlike the Americans who vote for the sole purpose of retaining their "freedoms" to rape and pillage the land while ruining the lives of the less aggressive and bloodthirsty individuals in the name of "competition" and "free enterprise", folks that have drifted into the line that's forming on the left, the insomniacs, are there because clearly, we have a lot to worry about. If I were a dedicated insomniac, or even a dedicated democrat, I would make a list of all things there are to worry about. Things that we, as insomniac worriers, have to be concerned with because if we aren't, we'll have to leave it to those folks that are getting a good night's sleep, and, bless their socially conscious hearts, I'm worried that they're just not worried enough.

Obviously, as you of furrowed brows predicted back in paragraph two, this line of reasoning - or this theory (yes let's call it a theory! We're so scientific!) that donkeys are more likely to be insomniacs than elephants, stands on the feeble legs of someone who is not getting enough sleep. Fortunately it is almost time to get dressed, have a cup of coffee and a conference call with Hoang Qu'nen. I'm crosseyed just thinking about it. Maybe I'll take a nap instead!

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