Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Pastor Kelvin Akin Trickles Down a Little BIZ

Oh Limbolanders I don't know what I've done to deserve such wonderful luck! Just have a look at the note below: here's this selfless man of the cloth, dear Pastor Kelvin, having heard the baleful cries of the white upper middle class in Marin County, California, making an unsolicited contribution to my burgeoning country club dues! 

I think this must be exactly what the great leader Ronald Reagan had in mind when he invented the "trickle down" theory. Of course at the time he was getting to that age when the ureter muscle, in concert with the prostate, loosen up to allow a little pee pee to sneak down the pant leg at random moments, which I'm told is what gave Ronny the idea. As the story goes, he was having a "fun break" at a cabinet meeting where he would attempt to throw jellybeans into the open mouths of his cabinet gathered around his desk in the Oval Office (The Oval Office is famous for inspiring games involving open orifices). At one point the President, laughing uncontrollably as Secretary of State Schultz starting choking on a jellybean, felt a stray half ounce trickle down his leg. "I've got it!" he shouted. "Schultzy shut the fuck up will you? Cappy will you please give Schultzy the Heimlich I am having a holy epiphany! My piss is the economy! That's it!"
"I'm sorry Chief did you say piss on the economy?" Lizzy Dole piped in.
"After a fashion, I think I did! Look Lizzy, look at this." Reagan pointed to a growing stain on his inner thigh. 
"Holy shit, Ronnie. Is that what I think it is? Christ can I have some? You know Bob can't even get it up!" (Of course husband Bob was not testifying to his ED on national TV at the time.)
"Oh I'm afraid not, Lizzie, as much as I do enjoy playing Swallow the Beaner with you guys. Though I know YOU wish we were playing Swallow the Boner, Lizzie."

At any rate Ronald Reagan coined the phrase "Trickle Down Economics" as a result of his growing incontinence, and thank God my dear friend Pastor Kelvin has taken it to heart! Just read his wonderful words! And pray that some day he may see fit to bless YOU with his holy surplus!

Dear Friend

Greetings to you and your Family. (My capital F Family. I love that. It's like we're the Manson Family or maybe the Kelvin Akin Family Singers!) I waited to hear from you since to contact me (poetic!) for your Confirmable Bank Draft of One Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars ($1,500,000.00 usd), but didn’t hear from you. (Sorry Pastor I have been out of the country for a short theology course.) Then, I deposited the Bank Draft with Skyline Delivery Company in Benin Republic, before I traveled out of the country for a theology short Course (OMG YOU TOO?? I am sooo grateful to be dealing with a man of the cloth, like me!) and will not come back till end of next Month. What you have to do now is to contact Skyline Delivery Company as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your Bank Draft to you because of the expiring date.(Oh shit! Oh no! What day is it?) For your information, I have paid for the delivering Charges, the only money you will pay to courier & Security Company to deliver your Bank Draft direct to your postal Address in your country is ($115) only being their Security Keeping Fee of the Courier Company so far. (Okay. Okay. Enough with the poetry already. Could you maybe rephrase that? In English this time?)

Again, do not be deceived by anybody to pay any other money except $115. (I am soooo grateful to be dealing with a God-fearing Christian!) I would have paid the fee but they said no because they don't know when you will contact them and in case of demorrage.(Opposite of a hemorrage?) You have to contact the Skyline Delivery Company now for the delivery of your Bank Draft Draft with this information bellow.

Company`s Name.............  Skyline Courier And Delivery Company
E-mail ....................
Registration No............  Wwdsc/xxx/100

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and direct telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery and Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their Security Keeping fee of $115 for their immediate action. You should also let me know through email as soon as you receive your Bank Draft. (Wow this is so cool! I pay $115, and I get $1.5M!! Unbelievable!!)

Note: Skyline Delivery Company does not know the contents of the parcel. I registered it as my photograph (pix) sending to a friend overseas. (Ha! That'll fool those illiterate drug-addled Nigerian fucks at the Skyline Delivery Company. But, could you please send the pix too? I so dearly want to be able to gaze upon your gracious and generous image!) They do not know that it contains a Confirmable Bank Draft of such a huge amount of money, this is to avoid them tempering with the package. (Uh. What if they have a thing for Pastors?) Do not let them know the contents of the package until you receive it. (R u sure I shouldn't tell them it's got a signed check for $1.5M, just so they'll be careful with it?) I am waiting to hear the good news from you.

Pastor Kelvin Akin

Isn't this just amazing? Doesn't it make you want fall down upon your knees in deep and gracious gratitude?

Oh Kelvin you luscious stud! Praise the Lord for what he hath wrought in you, my dear Kelvin! I look forward to the day when I can throw a huge party and invite all of my bounteous benefactors. You would so love to meet my mysterious and temperamental Yeung Lap Ming, who I am almost certain would love to have a BIZ with you, quite possibly in all your naked glory! And my sweet Poonjabbi Poontang, Asha of the long, luscious, fragrant locks (emanating from where I am not quite sure yet). You'll meet Major Martha Davis, Minoo, and generous benefactors to come, almost daily it seems! And if we're really lucky, the Ebola Monkey Man will show up! 

If we're really, really lucky. 

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