Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I've Been Promoted!

Hard to believe I know things like this don't usually happen to guys my age especially guys that have kinda hit some choppy water during midlife such that it has been a bit of a crisis. You don't generally see guys that are either ambling or downright crawling toward retirement - even young guys like myself that just seem a lot older than they actually are because of the various prostheses, splints, pulleys and electric motors in places body parts used to be.

If you said giving a raise and a promotion to a sourpuss son-of-a-bitch whos meager enjoyment consists of retweeting ugly rumors about corporate executives is like giving a 5 course gourmet meal to a guy that is about to take several thousand CCs of Diet Coke injected directly into his heart, you would not be entirely right. Sure there are some similarities but it's really more like trying to placate an old but still very wild boar that has been shot everywhere but the heart and has just enough range that he could still make a bit of a mess.

I know I know I haven't displayed a real attitude of gratitude about my job, which yes yes yes I'm very lucky to even have jesus christ the poor guy down the street was a manager at Target and had been there for 23 years. His back goes out and what do they do? Now the kids are on the streets, the house is in foreclosure and the wife ran off with the pizza-faced kid in photo processing. You think I'm not surrounded by such tales of woe? Well I am and I pray to God every day to just let me get through the day without quitting or getting fired for telling some punk advertising agency greaser that the idea behind Twitter is exactly the same as the idea behind the most basic direct marketing 101, except likely to be even more effective because you know to whom you are lying, so you can tailor the lie to be that much more convincing!

The irony is that THAT...what I was just talking about with Twitter n' shit...THAT is why I have been promoted. I pointed out to some really cool marketing executives whom I greatly admi...admi...oh...oh fuck my throat is swellilng...oh shit there's a pain in my left arm...oh...goddammit...okay the marketing executives are douchebags. Whew. Man. Best not to lie when you're blogging. Especially this E-blogger Google stuff. I mean, heard they had figured out to prevent user's from lying but I didn't know that it actually worked! I got promoted because I pointed out to the execs that Twitter was called Twitter not because that's the sound a little bird makes. I mean, maybe partially, but it's also the sound that Peter Piper makes on his pipes. The sound that all the townfolk follow, and follow and follow and.... Eventually these supposedly super social business gurus realized that there ain't no point in tweeting to an empty room. And if you didn't follow people, nobody would follow you back. And, young businessman on the go hustlin' down Madison Ave with a wire in every orifice - yeah you buddy - you better come down off your throne and leave your body alone (from a song written by a guy who is old enough to be that marketing execs father), it's still just a numbers game. Even for Apple! Yeah! Really!

Ha Ha and next thing I know the President and Chairman of the Board is sending me a personal message from the desk of her assistant congratulating ME or someone who has a name alot like mine for discovering what Facebook, which is alot like Twitter, is all about!

So how do you like them apples? (old saying). I mean, I could be all sour grapes on social business and social this and social that and the grassroots paradigm, or I could embrace it and love it like I do because it let's me sit here and rant like the complete goofball that I may actually sometimes be (read my novel, HACK, soon to be available for pre-order, and let me know if you think I am just a complete goofball. I've been trying to figure this out for awhile but more importantly I've been trying to figure out if there's some sort of government program that takes care of people like me. Oh. Welfare? Is that it?)

Yep. I got promoted! Oh, and by the way I know of a bridge for sale in New York for cheap!


  1. Self promotion is the name of the game

  2. So, what's your new title? King of the Hashtag?

  3. great man .Self promotion is the name of the game


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