Sunday, May 13, 2012

Actual Proof: The Guy Is Nuts (mmm I like me sum nuts' bout now)

Limboland fans (all 4 or them) from back in the days when this was Various and Sundry remember at little series entitled "One Shake at a Time", which was a daily chronicle of my experience with The Clean Program "cleanse". Well, turn on the "oh fer chrissakes why the fuck..." loop because I'm gonna give it one more try and I can tell you right now after day one that the chances of sticking with are the worst yet.

So why try? Some of you might recall a really disgusting tweet/FB post awhile back regarding a large growth that appeared between my man-boobs and my penis. Many people took offense to this observation, though for the most part they did not identify themselves for reasons that probably include but are not limited to the presence of man-boobs and penii. (penii = plural of penis. Prounounced peen-eye). Those are just things that most normal folks don't want to think about much less be reminded that they even exist. But I hate to tell all you folks that haven't joined my @FiftySeven blog that man-boobs are inevitable, though their size might be negotiable. At any rate it was the object that was growing between my man-boobs and penis that I was, and still am, concerned about. Funny thing is I have not been buried with cards, letters, emails or tweets suggesting ways to address the alien growth. Perhaps this is because I have not been specific about what it is. It is MY TUMMY! It is GARGANTUAN! And it just KEEPS GETTING BIGGER no matter what I do. I haven't been drinking beer, which is the accepted culprit for a tummy with this profile. Not pregnant (but look it), not porking out on hot dogs, fries, Mickey D's, Bungler, pretty much eating like a fucking monk and what do I get but a giant protrusion! Don't like it at all not one bit.

One theory is that the pain medication I take for chronic perhipheral neuropathy in my feet, which I honestly do need to function in even the most limited capacity, causes weight gain. In fact it says right on the pill jar. It could be that no amount of dieting or cleansing could reverse the weight gain brought on by the meds. It could be trying to cleanse while taking pain meds has about as much chance of success as trying to get laid...with my face on.The other closely related cause is the lack of exercise associated with the reason for taking the pain meds, but I have been riding the exercise bike religiously about the only thing I can do under circumstances.Well, naked, of course. Except for the sock monkey mask.

As if this whole idea of self-penury isn't objectionable enough; I am expected to go at this exercise with enthusiasm! Like this is supposed to be big family fun! Hey Honey you ready for your morning shake yet? You bet baby just as soon as I get back from Pete's for coffee and a cinnamon roll!

Okay I am starting to feel weak, drowsy, a little light headed. Vision is blurry and my belly button is starting to leak.

Let me know if I can make you a shake!
And if reading this caused just a smidgen of relief from the existential pain of our meaningless existence, the go on ahead and jump on bored (upper right, follow this blog). Trotskis (and Tolstoys) are forthcoming, get on over to and give 'er a big wet lick! Thanks!

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