Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Black Dog Meets The FBI at The Dentist

The view from the Black Dog park...

You know me. I'm the guy that was happily blogging away about esoteric dietary adventures that led to vivid hallucinations of crunchy roasted nibs, Angela Merkle, urinary fantasies, and other sophomoric rantings to banal to mention. Then, without warning, a black dog walked into my room. Or should I say skulked, or slunk, or otherwise entered my consciousness in what I would characterize as an almost liquid fashion. For those of you who know about the black dog and most likely wish you did not know about the black dog, I apologize for mentioning the cur's unwelcome name. For those of you who have not had the misfortune of having this miserable creature nipping at your heels, slobbering on clean pant leg or otherwise messing with your life, we envy your well-lit clarity and dauntless sense of purpose. Doubtless some of us would like to spend an afternoon in your shoes, dogless, and feel that surge of pure optimism coursing through our veins, soaking up the sun and saving it for a rainy day. Unfortunately once you've met the black dog you can't unmeet him, though it is possible that he will board himself at the kennel for long periods, entirely of his own accord, and leave you alone to have a little fun like blogging about crunchy roasted nibs. But he always returns, and, unluckily for me, he has taken up residence in my room, happy to just curl up in the corner and just be there.  Perhaps this is now his permanent hang. I doubt it, but you can't help but worry because once the Black Dog is here it feels like he'll never leave.

However I am glad to report that hope has arrived in the form of a harmless email from what I thought must be the stupidest scammers, or hackers, or identity thieves that I have ever seen. Just last night  I received the following email:

Good News From The FBI Office

Attn: Beneficiary This is to inform you that we have have the warrant to arrest you if we dont hear from you immediately. You are advice to download attachment link for more details for your own good if you dont want to go to jail.
"Certainly this is the most priceless slice of stupidity I have ever seen in Dumbo's Pie Shop," I said to myself. Well imagine my surprise when I figured out, in the process of posting the silly slice that some wise viral marketer - well, let me take that back. It probably isn't that wise to imitate a Nigerian scam artist, is it. Ok, some clever but not particularly strategic marketer thought the note above would be a great way to get people to click on his link. But I wasn't gonna touch that link with my neighbors wanger, much less my own! Seems like infection practically bleeds off the letters. So I didn't. But I was fooled.  
For the thousands of you who are wondering why the reference to the dentist in the title of this post, suffice to say that my brain was abducted by aliens when I was having some dental work being done today (yeah dental work at the dentist holy fuckin shit who would have ever guess you probably wonder what the hell kinda dentist is that? Why wasn't he getting his prostate checked?) and the photograph above was taken by one of the cheeky little bastards. This is the kinda shit you can expect to happen to you once you start, and stop, and start, and stop one of these royal cluster fucks known as a Clean Program Cleanse! Beware the shakes, my friends. Beware the shakes!


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