Showing posts with label alcoholism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcoholism. Show all posts

Thursday, September 8, 2016

The Junebug Two-Step: an excerpt

The November darkness settled over the bayou as if someone had drawn the curtains. Suddenly the yellow lights on the other side of the front door screen to the dock were a mass of whirling, spinning bugs, especially Junebugs, crashing to the deck and twirling on their backs in a five-minute Saint Vitus death dance. Upon seeing the bugs, Jack burst through the screen door, still in the yellow rain gear and denim fleece-lined jacket. “Mr. Howard,” he blurted, “Mr. Howard come on this is real fun!” He pushed past me out to the fishing dock outside the screened-in porch and started dancing on the helpless upside-down June bugs in his bare feet, sliding around on their squishy guts, whooping and hollering in his own Saint Vitus interpretative ballet. Inside Binx was beginning to stir.
“Jack!” he barked, “Jack you halfwit sumbitch!”
“Don’t you worry, sir. I’ll take care of it,” Reggie called out as he rushed onto the fishing dock from around back of the house. Then Johnny said, “Mr. Binx, Reggie gonna get your son, don’t you worry, he’ll be fine.” His voice was soft, soothing, like a mental health professional trying to talk someone down from a fit.
Reggie ran out onto the dock under the light, his bare feet sliding out from under him as he fell on his ass with a crash, shaking the whole dilapidated structure. I stepped out onto the slick surface of the dock, holding the doorframe and extended an arm to Reggie who pulled himself up, grabbing my injured shoulder. I howled with pain, thinking I should have brought the goddamn sling. Meanwhile Jack was sliding along the sloping dock, then jumping, slipping his feet around in an uncanny display of natural balance, all the while avoiding falling on his prodigious butt. Toya and Eddie were on the screened porch, watching Jack’s crazy boogaloo and Reggie’s flailing attempts to grab him, sliding and falling until he finally got his arms around one of the crooked posts and righted himself.
Suddenly Jack stopped and stared out into the duckweed off the stern of the Sissy Mae, probably twenty yards away where the yellow lights from the dock faded into the darkness of the channel. “My pants!” he shouted, pointing at small floating pile atop the swamp vegetation. “And my underpants!”
Goddamnit, I cursed under my breath. I thought I saw those pants sink!
Then, just as Reggie leapt for the tackle, Jack ran down the dock and right into the water, unaware of the line attached to his pants and underpants. The duckweed barely came up to his middle, and he parted it with a wide sweeping motion, like parting jungle growth on an expedition, steadily sinking in the mud with each step. I ran down the pier to where I’d cleated the line and attempted to pull the bundle closer to where Jack was thrashing in the weeds.
“Grab the line, Jack,” I shouted. Then, just as he got his hands on it a deafening shotgun blast split the soft and heavy night.
“Leave him be!” Binx fired the gun into the sky again. “Leave him be, I say! The Lord has called his damaged child to the swamp, and it is there he must perish!” Then he leveled the shotgun at Jack and was about to fire when Eddie came up from behind with an almost-full half-gallon jug of Jim Beam and cracked his brother upside the head with a weak but effective blow. Binx staggered forward and fired, sending up a splash of luminescent weeds and water only two feet from where his son stood with the bundle of muddy clothes in his arms.
Binx dropped, out cold. Eddie pulled the shotgun out from under his unconscious brother and headed back inside, cursing loudly at this pathetic display of Southern idiocy. But before Eddie made it through the door Jack let out an earsplitting feral howl, dropped the clothes, let go of the line and started writhing in the water. A seizure? Puce foam formed around his flailing limbs, a greenish, ochre mass of bubbles, a bayou milkshake. Then the writhing teen was under water, drowning perhaps, then up again, wild, wiggling and screaming in the mud. “Get that boy a life preserver!” Eddie shouted, “but do not set foot or anything else in that water!”
There was a preserver hanging next to the door of the hold, so I jumped off the pier onto the gunwale, tore it off the wall and pitched it to Reggie, who in turn pitched it right onto the mass of bubbles.
“Jack! Jack! Grab the life preserver! Jack!” Reggie yelled. The boy emerged with a hellish bark, glasses down around his neck, head strap loose, eyes rolled back as he pulled a monstrous snake out of the water and hurled it onto the bow of the Sissy Mae. Arm hooked in the donut, he collapsed into the water.
“Mister Howard, get down here and help me pull him out. I don’t think he’ll let go of the donut. Come on!” So Reggie and I began to try and haul Jack – two hundred and fifty pounds of gelatinous flab – out of the muddy, weed-choked water. Meanwhile Eddie had climbed up to the pilothouse where, shotgun at the ready, he swept the emergency lamp around and over Jack as the boy sank deeper in the mud.
“Jack, just relax your legs. We will pull you out, promise,” Reggie yelled. 
“Ten o’ clock, snake at ten o’ clock,” shouted Eddie from above. I turned just as the report shattered and sent pieces of water moccasin flying every which way.
“Arghhhhhhh! Ooooh! God save me!” Jack screamed from the water, thrashing his arms to ward off more attacks. In another minute we got Jack to the pier, but then we had to get him up. His terrified screaming was as horrific as anything I’ve ever heard come out of a human – a Barney Fife possessed by demons – and there was no doubt in my mind that his hysteria was speeding the venom through his system at triple the normal rate.
After Reggie, Toya and I managed to get Jack’s whole limp body onto the dock a light approached from further down the channel in the direction of Dr. Raymond Cobb’s camp, where my sister was supposed to be staying. The boat was screaming down the narrow channel at full throttle, creating a massive wake that splashed violently against the shore, probably awakening every cottonmouth and alligator in the area. Just before arriving the driver cut the motor and coasted alongside the pier, to where we stood around Jack. The driver jumped out without a welcome or introduction and started asking questions. Have we found the bites, did we see the snake, how long since he was bit etc. Finally Eddie said, “Thanks so much for comin’ over, Ray. I ‘spose you heard the gunshots?”

“Yessir, and the caterwaulin’ from this young feller, and all y’all’s shoutin’,” the doctor replied, cutting through Jack’s muddy slicker. “Y’all know how y’all can hear a pin drop out here.”
Our group was silent as the doctor looked for the bites. “Looks like more than one cottonmouth got a piece of this boy. You said he threw one of the snakes on board?”
“Uh, yessir,” Reggie said. “I suppose that snake is up there someplace.” The doctor wiped away some mud from Jack’s calf to reveal a heinous wound, like the snake took a bite out of him. The calf was already bigger than a football.
“Well, it looks like he ripped the snake right out of his leg,” said the doctor. “See if you can find that fucker, will you please?”
Just as Reggie jumped over the gunwale with a flashlight I heard a siren in the distance coming our way; whirling lights of red and yellow flashed in the treetops, then around the corner into our smaller channel. It was an emergency airboat, the water equivalent of a police car and ambulance combined. Behind us a screen door slammed; Johnny with a small suitcase – a first aid kit. But before stepping onto the pier he quietly shuffled to where Binx lay in the Junebug muck on the dock, still unconscious. Johnny shone his flashlight over the supine body, then bent over to see if Eddie’s drunken brother was still breathing. Slowly he scanned the brother’s face, shaking his head.
“Mister Eddie,” Johnny called over the sound of the approaching airboat. “You best come over here and see ‘bout your brother. He ain’t lookin’ too good.” Eddie gave the doctor a pat on the shoulder and stepped quickly up the gangplank to the dock.
The four paramedics pulled their airboat up to the dock and rushed to the two victims, a pair for Binx and the other two for Jack. Dr. Cobb had cut off the legs of Jack’s yellow rain coveralls and after the medic took a quick look at the snakebites they called for an airlift. They quickly prepared several injections while simultaneously cleaning and dressing the surface wounds. Finally one of the medics asked me: “Does this boy have a parent or guardian on the premises?”
“Yessir. That’s his father, Binx Sublette, over there with the nasty rap to the head. That’s his uncle Eddie Sublette looking over him.” When he asked where the mother was, I was tempted to say none of your business, sonny. It was a stupid, insensitive question, but based on the available evidence to date, this was an unusually stupid, insensitive part of the world. I said, “She’s not here.”
“And who are you?”
“Howard Brown, a second cousin. Visiting from California.”
The paramedic nodded, smiling. “Oh, of course. Sissy Mae’s brother from Cali. Does everybody grow so big in Cali? I reckon you ain’t never been nowhere like this before, eh?”
“No sir, I have not,” I said with a slight chuckle, wondering how this cracker knew my sister.  The paramedic chuckled a little, then bent over Jack, unconscious from the injections. He pulled his eyelids up, then the lower part down. He opened Jack’s mouth and stuck a gloved finger under his tongue, lifted it up. Nothing unusual. But when we looked over his body there were strange concentrations of shuddering muscle, and the wounds themselves were massive bruises covering his legs, feet and forearms.
“Jesus,” I said, shocked by all the bites. “Is this kid gonna make it?”
“Hard to say. Usually a bite from a swamp viper won’t kill a man if you get to him in time, but I’ve never seen anybody with so many bites in so many different places. It was like he stepped on a nest, but when you pointed out the location...well, snakes don’t nest underwater.”
In the distant west the sound of a chopper approached. Jack was loaded onto a gurney and rolled to the dock, an oxygen mask across his quiet face. To look at him one might think he was just a typical overweight Southern teenager with shitty eyesight, a bad hairdo, and in need of a shave, though there was something about the shape of his mouth that suggested something was awry in his brain.
On the dock the Junebug guts had become white and sticky as Elmer’s glue. The paramedics had father and son, both unconscious, on gurneys under oxygen with IV drips plugged into the back of their hands. The medics were more worried about Binx; his pulse was slowed and his face has taken on a tinge of yellow ochre. The lump on the back of his head was bad, but not bad enough to cause any bleeding in the brain, according to the medics.
When Dr. Cobb – technically a psychiatrist that keeps his EMT certification up to date for swamp accidents like this one, I’m told – examined Binx he came to an entirely different conclusion.
“Alcohol poisoning,” he stated with authority. “We see it fairly often out here in the bayou, and Binx Sublette is a prime candidate, with his history.”
The amphibious chopper came into view, flying low over the channel, then pulling up and circling
above the camp. After a couple of times around it settled over the water, the wind from the blades kicking up whitecaps that crashed against the pilings of the pier and the dock like a hurricane was upon us. Once the chopper was at rest in the water with its blades still spinning slowly, a skiff was lowered and two EMTs exited from the door behind the cockpit, jumped in and piloted it over to where the two gurneys waited on the dock. The gurneys were collapsed; Jack was loaded into the skiff and taken to the chopper. Once Jack was loaded in the skiff they returned for Binx. His other son Bolling shouted over the din that he would be the family representative at the hospital and joined the crew in the copter. Slowly the whirring blades picked up speed, the waves kicked up and splashed over the Junebug guts on the dock, and the chopper, with Binx Sublette and his two boys aboard, took off down the channel.
Then, for a what felt like a long, discombobulated moment as the medics prepared to depart, I had a profound sense of complete displacement – an abstraction of real self from virtual self – as if I was not who I thought I was, but was exactly where I was supposed to be. The day’s events, especially those of the last hour, had presented a glimpse of a familiar yet foreign existence and, though I had a vague memory of my original purpose at Camp Serendipity it was being crowded out by…by what? Ancestral memories? Had this strange and dangerous environment been sucked through my buzzing Chown Hoon Dong to create a disturbance in the chakras? Where was my psycho when I needed her?
I paused to study the suddenly familiar scene – the backwards boat, Sissy Mae, tied up to the rickety pier, the yellow light throwing its beams into the all-engulfing dark of the swamp; the low droning thrum of crickets and cicadas rising up like columns of circling smoke, punctuated by the hoot of a solemn owl and the belch of the lonely bullfrog; the quiet, still water, blanketed in its neon chartreuse, smoother than silk; all of it a part of me from the day I was born and perhaps before.
And then I noticed one more thing. “Goddamnit!” I muttered under my breath. There were Jack’s jeans and his nasty briefs, still floating at the same spot, tied up to the line that was still cleated to the Sissy Mae.
I shuffled down the pier, pulled out the clothes with a few globs of duckweed, schlepped the whole mess to the dock and laid it out. Tomorrow I would get them washed with strong hopes and maybe even a little prayer that Jack would think twice before he pissed in them again. 




Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Why Bob Schneider Isn't an International Superstar

Bob Schneider or Downey Jr.?
Why? Because he hasn't changed his name, that's why. It's an:

[oxymoron |ˌäksəˈmôrˌän|
noun

a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory terms appear in conjunction (e.g., faith unfaithful kept him falsely true).]

Okay. Let's look at "Bob Schneider, International Superstar." Or "Bob Schneider, famous singer/songwriter." Oxymoron, right? How can anybody that goes by "Bob Schneider" be an international superstar? 



Bob Schneider, your local State Farm rep.
Bob Schneider, DDS.
Bob Schneider, IRS agent.
Bob Schneider, dairy farmer.
Schneider's Deli

But pop star? Rock star? King of White Boy Funk? I've heard that he's sometimes referred to as B. Schnei on his home turf in Austin, but I'm not sure that'll do it. 

Oh, and there's the Austin factor working against him, too. Everybody knows that Austin cats are
serious players, serious writers, serious poets, seriously eclectic, seriously somewhere in between Nashville, LA and New York: alt indy hanging around their necks like a ball and chain. That's why we love Austin - it's where guys like Bob Schneider can make music and art that's true, honest, unsullied by commercialism. It's probably the only town where a guy could sing a song called "Hanging Out With The Horny Girls" and not get burned at the stake by the political correctors. Bob is certainly doing his part to Keep Austin Weird, as the bumper stickers say.

It seems many of my favorite artists are in the "too good to be famous" category. Years ago I wrote an article for a defunct SF rag about NRBQ and their big label debut release, "Wild Weekend" on Virgin Records. Their's was not an oxymoron problem as much as it was an image problem. Put simply, the boys lacked sex appeal. Same went for Little Feat and Bruce Hornsby, though they were far more popular than either NRBQ or Bob. (I think I just decided to call him Bob. Period.)

Like NRBQ, I couldn't be happier that Bob isn't an international superstar. I just recently (and very thankfully) discovered his seemingly bottomless, 30 year old catalog. He was the same guy behind the Ugly Americans and one of my top-ten fave rave-ups, "Vulcan Death Grip." After a little browsing around I downloaded about 30 of his songs and have been listening to them multiple times daily ever since. He also records every single one of his shows and, before the audience gets away, has CDs burnt and ready for sale. (He calls these live recordings "Frunk." I don't know why.) 

On his home page he discusses his lack of international superstardom as a voiceover accompanying some of his cool artwork. His theory is that the small skinny rockers get all the attention because their packages are outsized in proportion to their gaunt frames. Big bearlike guys like Bob (and myself, not uncoincidentally) have our stuff hidden between our massive, muscular thighs, so it's practically invisible in comparison. And it's common knowledge that a guy can't be an international superstar without the flashy gear. 

Any guy that postulates such profound theories is, as you probably already know, a man after my own
heart. And Bob's songs, his lyrics, his arrangements, his instrumentation (i.e. accordion and trumpet, for example), his sometimes smokey sometimes somber sometimes soulful voice, his sort of subtle vacant, bemused expression – all of it works for me. In fact, it doesn't just work, it moves me. Literally out of my chair and onto my private personal dance floor du jour, whether it's to boogaloo or do the hippie sway. It moves me to sing along with all the fa la las and nah nah nahs that seem to grace every third song or so.

That's just a small slice of what there is to love about Bob. As a critic of my most recent novel, The Healing of Howard Brown, said of the protagonist, "It’s a supple, smart and authentic voice that’s alternately wry, sad, questioning, anxious, hopeful and loving." Bob's songs embrace all that and so much more, with a completely disarming delivery that invites even the most skeptical boomers to cut through their scar tissue and "let the light in."

I hope that Bob becomes the international superstar that he deserves to be, despite his Schneiderness. Meanwhile, I am thankful that, so far, he's been able to make the music he's been making without any commercial pressure, in the true Austin tradition. And I am eternally thankful that the groovy tune I heard back in 1996 – the goddamn coolest groove ever, "Vulcan Death Grip" –has opened the door to this amazing playlist of even groovier tunes. 

Vaya con huevos, Senor Bob. May the bird of paradise fly up your nose and your sweet bippy be forever blessed. 
 




Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Addictions Du Jour – What’s Yours?

There was a time not long ago when we assumed that someone who was labeled an “addict” was, by default, a drug abuser. If the addict’s drug of choice was alcohol, we labeled them “alcoholics.” But lately, a whole new class of behaviors are getting classified as “addictions,” and, though they have nothing to do with drug and/or alcohol abuse–indeed, they might be things you think are harmless–they are in fact serious conditions which may require professional help.


Substance Abuse vs. Addictive Behaviors

The definition of “addiction” has always been somewhat of a moving target. Today, the dictionary tells us that an addiction is “the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity: he committed the theft to finance his drug addiction | an addiction to gambling.”

Physical addictions to drugs and alcohol have always seemed relatively clear-cut: the body becomes dependent and goes into withdrawal (fatigue, DTs, stomach upset etc.) without the substance. Psychological addictions, which are usually precursors to physical addictions when substances are involved, include a much broader range of behaviors from sex to gambling to texting.  When such behaviors become so all-consuming that they result in a physical, mental, and/or social withdrawal from “normal” life, they’re considered addictions.

Some of the behaviors that can be addicting have been around forever, it seems–sex, gambling, and of course Freud’s primal addiction: masturbation. Other common behaviors, like shopping, watching TV and playing video games, have only been recognized as addicting relatively recently.

Smartphones, Texting and Email

Enter the digital age of on-demand. Now that smart devices have proliferated in developed countries to the point where they’re unavoidable, new behaviors are surfacing that show all the signs of classic addictions. That is, the new behaviors trigger the same rush of dopamine to the brain as drugs and alcohol. That’s not to say that everybody you see walking, or driving, around with their faces buried in their smartphones are riding a dopamine curiosity high.  But if you see someone having a breakdown because they’ve been separated from their device (a not uncommon sight), you might be witnessing real withdrawal symptoms. "When you start seeing that people have to text when they're driving, even though they clearly know that they're endangering their lives and the lives of others, we really have to ask what is so compelling about this new medium?" says Peter DeLisi, academic dean of the information technology leadership program at Santa Clara University.

Of course, when we talk about smartphone addictions, we’re not talking about the device itself but the experience the device enables. The same could be said for PCs. Email, for example, can be like playing slot machines. We’re waiting to hit the jackpot. Not necessarily a monetary jackpot, but delivery of some variation of satisfying information (aka “variable ratio reinforcement”). When our desktop or mobile device buzzes, beeps, or plays the 1812 Overture, we’re about as powerful as Pavlov’s dog. That is, the sound triggers the dopamine curiosity loop, and, even if the actual reward may be infrequent, all it takes is one hit to hook us.

Online Gambling

While email and texting (while not driving) addictions can seriously disrupt lives, they are perhaps not as ruinous as other addictions fueled by the Internet and the “always-on” digital culture. The online gaming industry, fueled in part “pathological” gamblers, generated almost $40 billion in revenue in 2014. One of the more disturbing stats indicates that 4% of teens have developed gambling problems as a result.

Cybersex

Addictions to cybersex are rampant. For many, cybersex addictions have resulted in job loss, divorce and a complete inability to have a “normal” relationship. According to Wisdomforliving.com, 60 percent of all visits on the Internet are sex-related, making it the number one topic researched online – that’s almost 40 million people. Of those 40 million internet users, 8-10% of males and 3% of female Internet users are hooked on cybersex.

Online Shopping and eBay

eBay is also in the category of internet-related addictions because of the excitement (and dopamine) associated with bidding and winning. Online shopping in general can become addicting, even without the thrill of the auction. Shopping 24-7 in the comfort of one’s home, without the aching feet and the pressure of salespeople, makes it that much easier to buy unneeded and unwanted stuff, just for the reward of purchasing something. As a result, online shopping addicts can get into serious financial straits by the time a problem is recognized.  

New Addictions, New Treatments


Fortunately, the support community has kept pace with the explosion of new internet-related addictions. Some traditional drug and alcohol abuse treatment organizations are expanding their capabilities and applying some of the tried and true methods to the psychological, behavioral addictions of Internet junkies. While such addictions may seem less severe than addictions to drugs or alcohol, recovery can be just as difficult.  If you have an acquaintance, friend or loved-one who appears to be struggling with one or several of the new, digital addictions, there are many online resources that can help diagnose and treat the problem. Keep in mind that, while such behaviors may appear trivial to unaffected onloookers, they are serious problems and should be treated as such.



Sunday, March 23, 2014

My Old Friend Bob

After graduating from CU in 1978 I went up to Glacier Park and Many Glacier Hotel where I had a summer job on the bar crew along with 6 other kids, all of whom had some kind of musical or theatrical talent. My dorm neighbor and 2nd-year bar crew buddy, Bob Pazera, played the baritone horn. This morning, after having recently been contacted by one of our crew members, I discovered that Bob has been blowin’ that bad boy with the celestial philharmonic since 2003. The news that Bob had departed the planet at age 48, while profoundly saddening - we lived together the winter of 1979 at the Missoula Snow Bowl after our summer of bears, babes and booze - came as no shock. Bob was one wild motherfucker, especially for a tuba player.


He was a casebook Jekyll and Hyde alcoholic: shy, soft-spoken, quiet, bookish and unassuming
Bob Pazera
when sober; destructive, violent, grabass horny, and fearless when drinking. And he was a big guy: 6’3” 220 - an imposing bruiser with a Bigfoot gait and long meaty arms that hung apelike down his thigh, invincible in one-on-one with deceptive quickness and agility. The oaf of the Bolshoi, I used to say. His face, framed by the shag style of the day, was so clear complected and whisker-free that he could have passed for a six-year old, and the way his mouth naturally turned up at the corners made him look to be in a constant state of mild amusement at the goings on around him. A friend likened him to The Big Lebowski, which would have been a perfect fit if Bob wasn’t so schizo.


Author, whacked
The stories from that summer and the following fall and winter are the stuff of legend, especially now that the principal protagonist is reportedly dead and has been for the past 11 years. As the inventor of the FUBAR Malt (FUBAR = Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition, common in the military) Mister Bob, as he was called by the British hotel manager, Ian Tippet, would often pour drinks so strong that the guests sent them back. So he would down the reject and pour another - it didn’t matter if one reject was a Vodka Collins followed by a Manhattan followed by a Grasshopper: when he was drinking he was on a mission to see just how fucked up he could get. If pot or blow was available there was no stopping him, but we didn’t have much of a stash up there.


The employee dorm at Glacier
He also liked to get other folks drunk, so one night he challenged me and another bartender to sample every variety of booze in the bar after work. We didn’t get very far. Another night we served up free drinks to any employee who wanted them - I don’t know how we managed it, but some of the employees got so drunk that they accused us of trying to poison them and wouldn’t speak to us after that.


He also loved to throw customers off when they came up to the bar or the window to order a drink, or even waiting on tables, he would say “what can ya get me?” (instead of “what can I get you?”). A stupid little thing but it stuck with me.


There was a couple, Larry and Sylvia, that spent the summer in their RV in the Swiftcurrent campground on the other side of the lake and fly fished evenings until 10PM when it finally got dark. After fishing Larry and Sylvia, who knew Bob from the previous summer, would show up around closing and hang around drinking free beer that Bob would supply, and cognac or tequila or whatever else they fancied, playing cards and smoking cigars with us in the Swiftcurrent Lounge until 2-3AM, when we would stumble back to the dorm under the swirling, pulsating psychedelic light show known as the Aurora Borealis. It was important not to let Bob pass out in the bushes because that area was crawling with grizzly bears.


At the end of the summer season at Many Glacier Bob decided we needed some decor for our
apartment in Missoula. So after we shut down the bar at 11 or 12 - whenever it was - we stealthily removed all of the various deer and elk antler trophies from the Interlaken Lounge and spirited them to a hiding place off the shoulder of the road down to Babb, where we later collected them. The following summer Bob went to work at Many Glacier again and, in his oddly loyal and responsible way, returned the antlers to their rightful displays on the walls of the Interlaken lounge.


Once we got free of the booze-addled summer camp at Many Glacier (which will become a novel some day, in which an evil hotel manager sexually “takes advantage” of young men until one disappears, along with other adventures) and moved into our spot at the Snow Bowl, we would often go for several nights at a stretch dry, then go at it with a vengeance. Bob bartended at a disco joint in south Missoula and I played solo guitar at the bar of the Red Lion Inn.


Larry and Sylvia were living in Missoula that winter, vs. wintering in the desert, and they came over with my girlfriend for Thanksgiving. The night before when Bob and I got the turkey Bob also bought a case of Heilemann’s Special Export, my favorite beer from that period, and instructed that we were to drink the whole thing: 12 beers each. In the process of drinking and decorating the apartment for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I heard Bob shout “catch!” and there over my shoulder was a 16 lb. frozen turkey coming right for my head. The turkey crashed into the wall, where I retrieved it, dropped back into the pocket and fired a perfect spiral to Bob cutting across the kitchen. But it was one slippery turkey and Bob couldn’t hold onto it, letting it smash a hole in the hollow core bedroom door. We played turkey toss for another half hour or so, completely trashing the apartment and tenderizing that bird to perfection. The next day I cooked it in a paper bag and it was unbelievable!


One Monday morning in the wee wee hours I got a call from a neighbor about halfway down the 10-mile snow packed ski area access road: Bob had slid his sedan over the edge of the road, crashed through the cedars, larches and pines and somehow survived. Drunk as he was he did not want to involve the authorities, but the neighbor insisted I come get him and take him to the emergency room. When I got there I found out why: a stick about an ⅛” in diameter had pierced his neck, entering on the left side and protruding about 2 inches on the right. It was like the old bone through the nose trick except this was a stick through the neck, and Bob couldn’t feel a thing. It seemed a miracle that there was no blood, and an even greater miracle that the stick didn’t poke a hole in his esophagus or damage his spinal cord.  


I took Bob to the emergency room and waited while they removed the stick and set him up with a pus drainage apparatus affixed to the exit hole on the right side of his neck. I took him home and we both slept most of the day (the ski area was closed Mondays and Tuesdays). When he got up he couldn’t move, his body had been so traumatized. After several days he could move again; by n’ by he went back to work, but for weeks he always had a gross little napkin in his pocket he would use to dab at the pus leaking down his neck. He stayed for another three weeks without a single drink, then,  since his car was totalled and he couldn’t work a second job he went back home to Mom and Dad in Albuquerque.  


Bob was a nicknamer. The owner of the ski area was named Melasky, which Bob thought sounded
like Polanski so he called him him Roman. Roman was also a fierce drunk and would sometimes announce closing time by hurling a couple of full pitchers of beer across the room, but never far enough to where I sat on a little stage leading the skiers in song (who were the same hardcore ski racer gang day in day out.) Roman’s daughter was named Bodagget, which is the larger, harder form of a dingleberry. Roman’s wife was Mrs. Roman, and aside from Melasky I can’t remember anyone’s real name. They were red-headed New York Polack Jews and what they were doing running a ski area in Montana is anybody’s guess. We often had contests to see who could throw Bodagget’s cat, Bodagget Junior, furthest into into the snowy woods.


I saw Bob twice after he left Missoula, both times when Holly and I lived in Scottsdale where she designed interiors for model homes with the infamous Charles Keating (another novel in diapers) and I worked at an ad agency. Bob and his wife lived in Chandler where Bob had landed a gig as a city planner. The first time Bob came to our house in Scottsdale, solo. Bob and I proceeded to get drunk and then wrestle our way through the house, smashing furniture and awakening the next day to nasty bruises, rug burns and other injuries.


Holly and I visited Bob one more time at his place in Chandler. We saw his wife Sarah briefly, then went for a hike in the Superstitions. Bob was on the wagon and it was a very pleasant afternoon.

I spoke to Bob once more around 1990, when we were amazingly both on the wagon. I had been investigating “the program”, and Bob said that he found it too depressing; the folks there were such hard cases, serious alcoholics, and he couldn’t relate. He told me that it was under control, he had learned how to have a drink now and then without having a schizoid meltdown, but he figured it out too late. His wife had already bailed.


And then this morning I learn that this incredibly funny soft-hearted guy had exited, and as much as I would like to believe that it was cancer or a cerebral hemorrhage or something not related to drinking, the odds that he stacked his car or even took his own life in a drunken state of hopelessness are far greater. I’ve reached out to his ex and will continue to sleuth until I find out what took him down. It really does break my heart, poor bastard. He was a fun, smart, sensitive guy up until about the 5th beer. Who knows maybe he was a great city planner for the city of Chandler too?

Rest in Peace, my friend.