Relationship feeling a little off the tracks? Mr. or Ms. Right feelin' more like Mr. or Ms. Wrong? Or even more disturbingly, Mr. or Mrs. Wong? Well listen: we all make mistakes. Sometimes we'll bake cakes, throw them in lakes and end up with aching snakes. If ya listen to the statistics, one of the more common mistakes we make is in choosing a partner, a companion, that person that we allow into our hearts and our undies. According to the facts over 100% of those choices are just dead wrong. Or worse yet... Wong.
Here's how to know if you've fucked it all up and picked a loser; simple, yet telling signs that the person you may be living with now will cause you nothing but misery, heartache, tears and quite possibly painful cysts, dry skin, dandruff, uncontrollable flatulence and ultimately the heartbreak of psoriasis. If you consider these warning signs, you can choose whether there's any hope in fixing the relationship or if you need to get as far away from your wretched, conniving, skanky bedmate ASAP.
Warning sign #1: Peanut butter in the jelly jar or vice-versa.
If your lover can' take the time to wipe the peanut butter off the knife before recklessly plunging it into the jelly, or vice-versa, then he/she is probably equally careless with things he/she might plunge into you, or with things you might want to plunge into.
When to RUN: there's mayo in the peanut butter.
Warning sign #2: Multiple cats.
Any sane person knows that, even if you love cats, two cats around the house is plenty, unless, of course, you live in a barn that is infested with mice and rats, in which case multiple bloodthirsty cats are highly recommended, so long as they live outside. Otherwise, any more than one cat means you are completely insufficient as a partner and not only that your partner doesn't care if you get asphyxiated on the odor of cat piss and weakly disguised cat turds, or that you die from allergic reactions to cat dander. The handwriting is in the kitty litter. Get out!
When to RUN: the cats sleep on your face.
Warning sign #3: Your partner wants to pop your zits.
Anyone that wants to deny you the pleasure of popping your own zits is likely to want to deny you of other personal pleasures, like nose-picking, fingernail-biting, bodagget removal, fart-lighting, butt-scratching and bean-twiddling and/or dolphin flogging, and should be avoided.
When to RUN: at evidence of mini-flashlight and tweezers in bed
Warning sign #4: Skidmarks
While men tend to have a higher propensity for skidmarks in the undies, jammies and other articles of clothing proximate to the anus (partly because of the male tendency to take truly monstrous shits that require a power washer to entirely eradicate), skidmarks are entirely avoidable. Not only are there highly effective methods for softening and removing hard, crusty dingleberries or the stickier bodaggets, the "water pik", used mainly for dental purposes, is an extremely effective tool for anal cleansing and fits easily into any of today's popular mens and ladies purses.
When to RUN: The nose knows...
Warning sign #5: Humming "More Than a Feeling"
If you hear even the faintest strains of the Boston hit, or anything remotely resembling Journey, get out as soon as you can. Fans of Boston and/or Journey will eventually be blasting that dreadful white pabulum through your domicile so loud that the cockroaches move out.
When to RUN: At the mention of Tom Scholtz or Steve Perry
(courtesy Tim Eschliman)
Warning sign #6: A belief that one of you was originally made from a rib
While creationism is a wonderfully imaginative, fantastical, creative and cute way to explain the existence of life, a staunch belief in it may indicate that your partner may be more than just a little out of touch with reality. This is not to say that you should only team up with folks that sport pageboy haircuts, have long, pointy ears and rip you a new one every time you make an illogical observation. However, you may want to be careful with creationists for if they believe that Eve was made from a sparerib they may have issues around the barbeque.
When to RUN: Immediately!
(Courtesy Margot Von Riper)
Warning sign #7: Frequent, almost singular use of the word "idiot" to describe almost everybody
When you start hearing that everybody from the mailman to the President to the Pope is an idiot, it's time to pack your shit (as in your belongings vs. the employment of a pile driver or similar device) because it's only a matter of time until you are lumped into that category. Such a sloppy approach to labeling folks that may in fact be nimrods, ninnies, cretins, retards, assholes, turds, knobs, dickwads, fuckheads, weenies, pedophiles, asshats, douchebags, dildos, dorks, poofters, pussies, wimps, wankers, sons-of-bitches, bee-atches, bastards, motherfuckers, buttsuckers, anus-lickers, lily-livered sapsuckers, (not to mention any number of perfectly acceptable racial or gender-specific identifiers) etc. etc. usually indicates that your companion is likely to be none other than...an idiot.
When to RUN: A French accent is employed for "emphasis" (ie: eeeedeeyot!), along with "fuckeeng". eg: You are a fuckeeeng eeedeeyot!
This is just a smattering of hundreds of possible indicators that your relationship is a nuclear shitstorm just waiting to suck you into a swirling vortex of eternal pain and confusion. Proceed with caution, young Limbolounger! Coulda been the right place, but it musta been the Wong time!
As always, the Limboland staff will keep a close ear attuned to the heartbeat of our vivacious, significant, important and essential culture for leading indicators and opportunities for clever, enigmatic and esoteric tweets! @blowmepunk