Sunday, January 20, 2013

In Search of The Perfect Potty

Ahoy Limbolanders! Der Limbowiener has returned to Coon Hollow, our little slice of NorCal coast where all we do is count the ships going in and out of the Golden Gate to points hither and yon with all kinda toys and tools, cars and trucks, smart phones TVs hairdryers golf clubs surfboards blenders clocks tractors bicycles guitars donuts, dog bones and weapons of mass destruction along with and other tortures of the intellect. We watch container ships the size of small towns crawl along the horizon movin' the goods that make the USA go 'round.

We recently took a break - over the Christmas holiday - from our daily chronicling chore to travel to the very very old country in search of important clues that might explain the general malaise that has the American People in a collective state of kneejerk irritability and fractured brotherhood that shows no signs of abating. My theory is that it is the embarrassing state of national public hygiene in our unmelted melting pot that has got everybody's proverbial shorts in a snitch.

Yep, you heard right my erstwhile Limbolanders. Our public bathrooms are dirty, disgraceful, disgusting, dangerous cesspools of every kind of filth, to the point where many self-respecting Americans would just as soon go in the bushes, on the sidewalk, down the alleway...anything to ayoid whipping out the old pride and joy or dropping one's panties in some doorless stall riddled with glory holes and personal profiles.  What do most folks do? Hold it until they get to a safe place, which might be long after their tolerable comfort zone has passed, resulting in all the kinds of frayed nerves that can lead to any number of regrettable acts. All for the want of a clean, safe potty.

Jean Luc Picard's personal potty
The Europeans, it would seem, learned long ago that providing clean, safe, even attractive facilities for on-demand relief, even if it meant paying a crown, a farthing, a lira, a quarter euro, a ruble-lette, or whatever, is one of the keys to a content populace and, perhaps more importantly, content tourists. The lack of easily accessible public bathrooms is said to be one of the primary causes of the French Revolution, and is a primary impetus behind Communism which promised equal, high quality toilettes for all.

In Prague, a former Commie shithole, there is now the added touch of personal attention in the potty, along with assistance when there's trouble. I recall once when I had a particularly loud and loquacious case of barking spiders, the assistant called out to me. Being a large, curly-headed blonde Czech woman, I moaned a bit in pretend pain hoping she would rush to my aid. She did not, but she called out in encouragement "Ticho jste disgusing Spojené státy. Nemůžeš hovno s důstojností?" At least it sounded sort of encouraging, if a little distraught. But the Czechs are always yelling at each other. Perhaps she thought she could shock the spiders into quiescence. 

We Americans think we are so eco-minded, when the reality is that a handful of greedy capitalists control the air we breath, the food we eat, the water we drink and especially the public bathrooms. Corporate greed from the tree-killing paper companies prevent hand-driers from being installed, while those that would control the very source of life, our water, see to it that as many gallons go down the drain with every flush as possible. Not so in Europe. The two speed toilet, one for liquids and one for solids (I don't think there is a combo speed for barf) is the only kind of toilet you'll find in public facilities. And you will only rarely find paper towels, for hand driers are as common as two speed toilets. America is worse than many 3rd world countries when it comes to potty ecology. 

The Egg
But there is hope for America to now take the lead in shitcan technology, by inventing the truly paperless john.  What does the toilet of the future hold, if they are to be truly 100% paperless? I imagine that, like the once popular bidet of les toilettes pour les femmes, each would be equipped with a warm water cleansing spigot that, upon the push of a button, would extend from the rear of the toilet bowl and provide a lovely, refreshing spray to the soiled area with a gentle rinse. When sufficiently douched, the water hose recedes and the touch of a button and the drying unit extrudes, bathing the area with a soft, soothing stream of warm air in a slow circular motion. After such a pleasurable elimination experience, the people will leave feeling refreshed, rejoicing in their cleaniness and skipping forth to meet their brothers and sisters on the road of life. 

By now it should be obvious - the path to a healthy, happy America is not by jamming deep fried crap into their fat guts until they explode or providing easy access to firearms. Rather, it through a worry-free, safe and hygienic opportunity to poo poo and pee pee in peace and tranquility. It is the potty, dear Limbolanders, that is the key to a happy, healthy, relaxed and fulfilled America. It is high time to show the Europeans and the World that we Americans know our shit!

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