We recently took a break - over the Christmas holiday - from our daily chronicling chore to travel to the very very old country in search of important clues that might explain the general malaise that has the American People in a collective state of kneejerk irritability and fractured brotherhood that shows no signs of abating. My theory is that it is the embarrassing state of national public hygiene in our unmelted melting pot that has got everybody's proverbial shorts in a snitch.
Yep, you heard right my erstwhile Limbolanders. Our public bathrooms are dirty, disgraceful, disgusting, dangerous cesspools of every kind of filth, to the point where many self-respecting Americans would just as soon go in the bushes, on the sidewalk, down the alleway...anything to ayoid whipping out the old pride and joy or dropping one's panties in some doorless stall riddled with glory holes and personal profiles. What do most folks do? Hold it until they get to a safe place, which might be long after their tolerable comfort zone has passed, resulting in all the kinds of frayed nerves that can lead to any number of regrettable acts. All for the want of a clean, safe potty.
|Jean Luc Picard's personal potty|
In Prague, a former Commie shithole, there is now the added touch of personal attention in the potty, along with assistance when there's trouble. I recall once when I had a particularly loud and loquacious case of barking spiders, the assistant called out to me. Being a large, curly-headed blonde Czech woman, I moaned a bit in pretend pain hoping she would rush to my aid. She did not, but she called out in encouragement "Ticho jste disgusing Spojené státy. Nemůžeš hovno s důstojností?" At least it sounded sort of encouraging, if a little distraught. But the Czechs are always yelling at each other. Perhaps she thought she could shock the spiders into quiescence.
We Americans think we are so eco-minded, when the reality is that a handful of greedy capitalists control the air we breath, the food we eat, the water we drink and especially the public bathrooms. Corporate greed from the tree-killing paper companies prevent hand-driers from being installed, while those that would control the very source of life, our water, see to it that as many gallons go down the drain with every flush as possible. Not so in Europe. The two speed toilet, one for liquids and one for solids (I don't think there is a combo speed for barf) is the only kind of toilet you'll find in public facilities. And you will only rarely find paper towels, for hand driers are as common as two speed toilets. America is worse than many 3rd world countries when it comes to potty ecology.
By now it should be obvious - the path to a healthy, happy America is not by jamming deep fried crap into their fat guts until they explode or providing easy access to firearms. Rather, it through a worry-free, safe and hygienic opportunity to poo poo and pee pee in peace and tranquility. It is the potty, dear Limbolanders, that is the key to a happy, healthy, relaxed and fulfilled America. It is high time to show the Europeans and the World that we Americans know our shit!