Friday, October 26, 2012

Pass The Invisibility Cloak, Please

Let me up I've had enough!

I revile presidential elections. In fact we have a general policy here in Limboland not to engage in the Dark Arts or to grant membership to the likes of He Who Shall Not Be Named, Malfoy and his ugly albino family, Beatrix LeStrange or anyone who's name ends in x, or any of those bottom-sniffing muggle-haters (though it might be fun to have the V-man around when he's baby-sized and trying to make his comeback - we could toss and kick him around like a football). This eternal ban from Limboland goes for the Mordor crew as well: Sauron, Saruman, the orcs and the uruk-hai, the Balrog, the Nazgul and the king of the slimebuckets Gollum. And no Imperial Stormtroopers either. Jabba the Hut...well, ok, but just so long as you got Princess Lea in a bikini on a chain.

The ban extends to presidential candidates as well, including, unfortunately our erstwhile and sincere chief executive who keeps getting his wiener wrapped around his neck despite how much money we throw at him.

It is precisely the money throwing, or, more succinctly, the money throwing away, flushed down the toilet that drives me into the depths of despair, or should I say to the sewage treatment plant. Every goddamn day Barack and his friendly flunkies are scavenging for dough - multiple emails in every account. I'm me. I'm Henry Griffin. I'm Hack. I'm Paco. I'm Mrs. Doubtfire...they always find their man.

The numbers are obscene, the product - a Mitt ad, a Barack ad, doesn't matter they're equally obscene. Ask any American if they think it's an inordinate waste of money, time and energy. "Yes! Disgusting!" They'll all agree. Just imagine if those resources were funneled into something cool. Something constructive. Something life saving.

But hey...don't tell me how to spend my money, right? It's my constitutional right to spend it exactly the way I want, and if I have several million lying around, or maybe I just have to exercise a few stock options, or sell a few shares, and then I can pump it into my candidate of choice - the one that scratches not only my back but my balls as well hey and while you're down there would you mind...yeah that's it...just...uh I love the constitution!

Imagine for a second all that money being thrown into candidates marketing coffers as if they were NFL teams. Who profits? The media conglomerates and everybody that works for them, the production companies, the advertising agencies, the PR agencies and all their people, the manufacturers of the machines that deliver the noxious lies. Who profits? Anderson Cooper. That bald-headed cornholing John Malkovich look-allike Carville, The bloggers, pundits, seers, bookies and pimps. The money is swirling around the media industry like a fucking tornado - you think they would like to see some sort of control over campaign spending? Ha!

Democracy has been on the auction block for some time, but this election really brings it all down home. We're reminded of it with every MoveOn email, every plea from every political entity that exists. If we could just keep the elections going full time, keep investing, grow the business, we might be able to wrap it all up in a sweet little IPO and sell it back to...the people?

See why I hate presidential politics? See why here in Limboland it is verboten to speak of such evil things? Harry Potter are you out there? Harry? Hermione? Ron? Could y'all saddle up Buckbeak and get over here with a few spells and if you don't mind one extra large invisibility cloak?

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